If you’re just now reading my blog for the first time, click on any of the interesting-looking categories to the left to read some of my past posts, or just click “Start Here” up at the top of the page. It’ll get you started, at least, so you’re not lost or confused! And if you aren’t sure about a term I use in my post, check out the Definitions page.
Despite my middling success (or outright failure, if you believe these girls) as a sugar daddy, one of the most highly-read and highly-commented on posts on my blog is The Beginner’s Guide to Being A Sugar Daddy. It seems like everyone wants to know about the inner workings of “sugar” relationships, and I’ve actually gotten quite a few e-mails, tweets, DMs, and sexts (ok, the last one was just them calling me “Daddy”…) from women who want to know more about how THEY could become sugar babies.
That’s when the idea struck me. For as much time as I’ve been explaining the guy’s point-of-view, I never really took the time to give the girl’s point-of-view. Therefore, since I’ve now helped a number of my female followers become sugar babies (not counting the ones I have for myself), I feel like the advice I have given them is good, and I feel confident sharing it with you today!
Note: yep, I understand the irony in using all of my personal tips-and-tricks to getting sugar babies to now empower sugar babies to get the most of out sugar daddies like me. But you know what? All’s fair in love and war!
What is a sugar baby?
Generally speaking, a sugar baby is a woman who agrees to be in a relationship with a man in exchange for money. There are many, many other factors that go into the definition of a sugar baby, but to strip it down to it’s most loose, basic terms, that IS what a sugar baby is.
What do I need to know about “sugar” relationships before going down this road?
Again, this is the danger zone: my opinions on this have earned me a lot of hate, but I’d rather be 100% honest than be a sell-out and never say anything definitively. So, I’m going to say what I feel a sugar baby needs to be on board with, WITH THE UNDERSTANDING that there are exceptions to every rule:
1. This is a relationship – Much like you are not a prostitute, he is not an ATM. You guys are going to get to know each other on pretty decent levels, probably deeper than you’d expect right now. Be prepared for that. It’s very common for sugar relationships to become real relationships, or for you to become best friends even after one of you moves on. One of the things I learned the hard way is that these relationships can be important. If you’re coming into this just to make money, be aware. Guys don’t always want just sex.
2. Be prepared to have sex with him – YES, there are sugar relationships out there that are not sexual in any way. I have no idea where to find them, and if you are looking for that, go ahead and close my blog now, because I can’t help you. For the rest of you, just acknowledge it. Part of any relationship is sex. The good news is that you can still control the “how” and the “how often”. But don’t think you can get around it unless you are one of the few who is able to find that type of guy: they all want sex, and most want it as soon as your relationship starts.
3. Be prepared to date below your NORMAL standards – Everyone wants to fuck only Brad Pitt or Magic Mike. But think about it like this: would a rich, handsome, Christian Grey-type REALLY be on a sugar website looking for you? Not likely. I’m not saying you have to have Buddha or Danny DeVito as your sugar daddy! But just realize that the tighter your attraction needs to be, the less likely it is you’ll find someone.
4. Don’t get caught up in your emotions YET – I’ll explain this more when we get to the topic of money, but keep in mind that it takes a while to establish a relationship with any new sugar daddy. As such, don’t lock yourself in at bad terms initially. When you are first starting out, your arrangement is 90% terms, 10% relationship. It’s only as time goes on that the balance turns towards the favor of the relationship vs. the terms. In fact, as I’ll point out, terms often become more fluid once you’re in a sugar relationship that works.
If you keep those four things in mind before you find your sugar daddy, you’ll be ahead of 99% of the girls who join this lifestyle!
Where do I find potential sugar daddies?
I get this question a lot. There are a few places, actually. First and foremost, you can try Craigslist or Backpage in the personals sections. I would recommend against this, as usually the only people who respond are creeps or “pros” who scout these for the beginners who don’t know anything about the lifestyle. You can do this (or even the reverse, browsing the guys section for dudes who don’t know what they are doing) if you have experience, but I’d shy away otherwise.
There are actually quite a few sugar baby/sugar daddy meeting sites out there. I don’t use all of them, just because there’s a small variety of new blood once you’ve gotten passed the first two I use, which I think are the biggest sites. The first, and my personal favorite, is Seeking Arrangement. The second is Sugar Daddy For Me. I’ve gone over them in detail in prior posts, but further down I’ll make several points that will inform how you should fill out your profile.
What kind of sugar daddies are going to contact me or should I contact?
A lot of this depends on what you’re looking for in a pseudo-boyfriend. Like I said above, you might want to loosen up your normal attractiveness guidelines a bit. But things like personality and allowance range are big deals that you need to take into consideration.
If his profile or his messages/e-mails sound dull, guess what? HE’S DULL. You can’t force a guy to be personable over the easiest medium that he can use to hook a sugar baby. Sure, he may be the coolest guy you’ve ever met if you meet him in person, but the chances that even a decent in-person conversationalist can’t type a passable message that makes him seem ok are slim. Don’t waste your time hunting for diamonds in a rough – you ARE the diamond…
You also need to be prepared to deal with a ton of weirdos and dudes who just want to have sex. The girl I most recently helped land a SD commented that she quickly developed a pretty easy way of discerning who was a good guy just based on his initial messages, even if he didn’t give his profile much effort. Not only that, but a DECENT guy stands out like a man among boys when you consider the amount of messages you get from idiots who can’t spell “are”, “you”, and “what”.
If he doesn’t have a picture in his profile, I would ignore his messages unless you haven’t gotten any other credible leads first. A guy on this type of site who can’t put up a picture of himself has shit to hide, even if this lifestyle is considered taboo. If you just can’t find a decent guy out there, then if a photo-less guy sent a really good message or has a really good profile, then you can *consider* him. But again, I’d shy away from them in general until you really have your SD-bullshit meter fine tuned.
This is generally an unpleasant topic for girls. Basically, there are two reasons girls get into the sugar lifestyle: they either need the money, or there are all the other reasons. For the girls that need the money, this lifestyle starts out as more of an emergency than a valuation of self-worth. For the girls who don’t need the money (and I define “need” here as girls who need a sugar daddy’s money or else she won’t be able to pay all her essential bills next month), this lifestyle is almost entirely a valuation of self-worth.
The needy girls are often the ones who end up entering into a sugar relationship at an allowance amount below what they might get given more time. These are often the girls who put “Open – Amount Negotiable” in the $$$ box on their profile. In fact, I think I can definitively state that you’ll never see a girl who’s desperate to pay her bills select “$10,000+” on her profile, haha!
When you’re filling out your profile, put the money you expect to make. Seriously. You don’t want to waste a sugar daddy’s time trying to arrange something with you if you put “Open”, but you know you won’t settle for less than $5,000/month. Likewise, don’t give a slick-talking sugar daddy the opening to convince you to take less than what you want to see him. If you will only become a sugar baby for a minimum of $1,000/month, or $20,000/month, or whatever the magic number is, put that as your minimum. Believe me, if you are out of a guy’s range, he’ll leave you alone unless he’s one of the aforementioned weirdos.
One last nugget before moving on, and I already know I’m going to get the most hate mail for this, but I’m not being honest if I leave this out: consider the possibility that you are overstating your worth.
Ok, now that you have called me a cheap asshole, hear me out. If you put pictures of yourself up on your profile (which you SHOULD do), and you make your profile as perfectly as you want to represent yourself, and you have your preferred allowance listed as a minimum of $10,000/month…and NO ONE messages you…you might be shooting a little too high. That’s why I said to set your ABSOLUTE MINIMUM up front: If you want $10k, but you’ll settle for $2k, don’t get cute. There’s plenty of time to trade up for a bigger fish, so to speak. Not only that, but the money isn’t the whole relationship, right? If it is, and you can’t get your absolute minimum, then take the sign from the universe and delete your account, because you’re not worth what you think you are OR you aren’t going to find the guy who values you that high on these sites. There’s no shame in just saying that the lifestyle isn’t worth it to you.
I think I’ve found a good guy! How do I make an arrangement?
There’s a lot of little steps involved. Finding a guy is the most frustrating part, but the “home stretch” isn’t a cake walk, either.
Step 1: Set up a meeting ASAP.
If you’ve found a guy you’d like to be in a SR (sugar relationship) with, hopefully he will ask you out for coffee or a meal pretty quickly. If not, it’s not weird or rude or uncommon to just go ahead and ask him if he’d like to meet. There are a few ground rules I’ve laid out for the SBs I’ve coached while they look for a SD, and so you need to follow them, too:
1. Meet in a public place – This might seem like common sense, but keep it in mind. First and foremost, you want to be safe. There are crazy fuckers out there.
2. Do NOT discuss money – This may sound odd, but you do not want to discuss much of your money woes with the potential SD on the first meeting. Keep in mind that there is a negotiation period when determining an allowance amount, and that the guy wants to get you for as cheaply as he can – if you’re in the $3k-5k range, he wants to get you for $3k or less; you want him to give you $5k or more – do NOT forget this! Also, most guys that have the true financial ability to be a sugar daddy are also probably decent businessmen. What do a lot of businessmen do for a living? Negotiate! Giving him any financial information about you before it’s time to negotiate will put you at a disadvantage.
3. Do NOT sleep with him – I hope this is common sense, but guys know within .00000000000001 seconds of meeting you whether or not they want to have sex. Once they’ve decided that they do, SOME guys (not all) will try to get you to agree to sleep with them before you even talk to them in person. DON’T DO IT!!! First of all, you don’t want that guy as a sugar daddy. Second of all, if you give it up for free, why are you doing this? And if you agreed to an allowance, you ignored my second rule. And finally, even if you break my rules and agree to an allowance on the first date, he may just leave and never talk to you again. Establishing a few dates will make it more obvious what he’s in this for.
4. Transport yourself – Before you’ve been with him a while, you should drive yourself, take public transportation, or have a friend drive you to your dates. Don’t risk it.
Hopefully, you’ll find out what you need to know in that first meeting. If he was using old pictures, he may be less attractive. He may give you a creeper vibe. One of my SB friends went on her first date with a guy who immediately started talking about them moving in together – awkward!!!! Hell, if you’re lucky, then HE’LL tell you all the information you need to know to have a leg up in allowance negotiations. Ask him about his job, what he does, etc.
Step 2: Negotiate the arrangement.
Assuming you guys keep in touch after the first meeting, clearly you both want to progress the relationship, and it’s time to hammer out the details. Before we consider the financial aspect, agree on:
- How many times you’ll meet per month
- What the dates will consist of (I’ve done arrangements where we meet twice during the week for dinner only, and then had a date night on the weekend where we go out and then spend the night together, etc.)
- How you’ll be paid (will you get paid the whole monthly allowance on the 1st? Will you get paid each visit? Once a week? Cash? Bank transfer?)
- What the “cancellation policy” will be (if one of you has to cancel a date or be out of town for a while, how do you make it up?)
- The “fringe benefits” (do you guys go on vacations? Do you get weekly shopping trips? Do you get an apartment?)
You want to get those details above worked out first. Reason being is that it gives you a clear picture of what amount you are negotiating for. For example, if you see him once a month, maybe you only need $1,000/mo from him on the 1st. If you see him 3 times a week, maybe you agree to $12,000/month with $1,000 cash given to you each visit or transferred to your bank account. Knowing what your obligations are gives you the freedom to know what it is you need in order to agree to his “wants”.
Also, you need to do this all over e-mail. You can discuss everything via text, but make sure you e-mail him or have him e-mail you what the final outcome is. Keep the e-mail in your archives. Not that you should expect to run into a problem where one of you gets fuzzy on the outline of your arrangement, but IF it happens, have the proof in the pudding, so to speak.
Step 3: Negotiate the allowance.
This is the most crucial aspect of the sugar relationship. I don’t give a shit what anyone else tells you – what you agree to here is what you will end up receiving from him until you have established a good enough relationship that money is irrelevant, or at least less important, to the conversation. Again, to restate what I said earlier: with all other factors being equal, the guy wants to pay you the minimum amount possible, and you should want him to pay you the maximum amount possible. Do not take this lightly. Don’t treat this as one of those “the relationship is the most important thing to me, money is second” bullshit ideas. You get what you are worth: if you agree to a $450/month allowance, you are worth $450/month. Don’t expect to adjust that rate in a year to $4,500/month, because you looked at a couple blogs online where the girls are getting so much more than you. You have to treat this as if you’ll never get a dime more than what you can get now, or else you lose out.
Here are a few tips:
1. Do not make the first offer – I give my friends a simple line to use every time the guy tries to fish for how much she wants from him: ”A lady never makes the first offer.” Simple. If he wants you as his sugar baby, he needs to be uncomfortable and put the first offer out there. Gentlemen hold doors open for ladies, don’t they?
2. Counter with double his first offer – That’s right, double it. He will NEVER offer you the maximum amount of his “sugar budget” up front. If he does, he’s a poor negotiator. Even if that amount is significantly more than you were hoping for, take a chance and double it. If the guy offers you $5,000/month, tell him you were really hoping to get $10k. Sure, some guys may laugh, others may never send you another e-mail. But most are invested in you at this point, aren’t they? Here’s a simple truth: guys don’t have many girls fawning over them in these situations. Just like in real life, girls hold all the power. If he’s trying to negotiate with you, he wants you. Make him pay for it! You’re worth it!
3. His next offer is serious – If he’s like the 90% of guys trying to get a sugar baby, when you double his offer (which is likely out of his range – even the cheapest SOBs usually offer 50-75% of what the max they have in mind is), he will respond with a number that is much more in line with what his max budget is. For example, if he offers $5k, and you counter with $10k, his next offer of $6-7k will likely be the top of his range. You may leave a few hundred or a thousand dollars on the table (say his budget is $7,500), but you’ll be happy that you got that extra $1-2k from him, won’t you????
4. Keep the perks in mind – Sure, maybe you want $10k a month. But maybe in exchange for shaving a couple thousand off your allowance, he’ll take you shopping, to spas, and on nice vacations across the country/world. If the relationship is what will only grow from here on out, it wouldn’t hurt to give him some slack so that he can afford to do the things that a good boyfriend/SD would do: SPOIL YOU!
I’ve got the arrangement done! Now what?
Hopefully, once you’ve gotten everything negotiated and squared away, everything that happens from here on out would be gravy. Nothing more than the normal awkwardness when you go on dates knowing that things are progressing. If the relationship is good, though, then it should feel like a dream: you’re getting PAID to spend time with a great guy??? How fucking awesome is that!
I’m not going to spend much time talking about the middle and end of these things, because they are all unique once they get started. Some will end up bad despite your best effort, some will be so so. Hopefully, if you’ve followed my advice up until now, you’ll have the highest odds of having the beginning of a fulfilling, meaningful relationship with a great guy who will treat you right and spoil you like the beautiful, deserving woman you are.
I hope you all enjoyed that. If I come back later and realize I missed something like an idiot, I’ll probably post an update in a new blog so that this will remain largely untouched.
As always, please leave comments below, and feel free to tweet me on Twitter! I love my followers and readers, and I try to respond to every piece of communication I receive, so don’t be afraid to say hey!